Start of a new beginning

So, I joined a diet group on Pt!

We are doing a Skinny Girl diet for New Years! I am so excited! I have found a group of people that are actually serious about this! I'll try to post each night telling you of my progress...The first day is 400 cals.
So far I have had a coffee with sweet and lo and a salad with 2 Tbs. of Ranch. Total calories so far 45...I'll be good :)  My start weight is 108 I want to get down to 98 hopefully more, but we will see :) wish me luck! I'll post again tonight.

I don't know what to do..I'm soo scared!

So, It's been a rough, very rough week.

I need to get back on track. With Thanksgiving and everything it's been bad. I hadn't written, because I thought maybe, just maybe that I want to get better....I needed time away from everything...I don't want to. I can't. I hate the feeling of being "full". if that makes any sense. I don't like people looking at me and feeling like they are just judging me. My brother in law was making more jokes. I can't take it any more! I'm just done.

But then there is my boyfriend...He knows...He made a joke about my butt being big or something then realized what he said...Ever since then he is been like "your soo skinny" that sorta thing. He also found out how much I weigh...He said I was underweight to him. HA! Underweight my butt! I will get there...I was soo close before. I want to get back on track...I need help...I can't do this on my  own...I've tried doing groups, but I feel like I'm the only person putting effort, then when I fail I feel terrible! I can't live up to anything. Anyone. I want to be skinny! I want to feel beautiful. To see what everyone else sees. Why did Ana have to choose me? why? I can't handle this...this, stress.

I'm sorry...I've let you down...I'll make it up to you some how...I will.

Another day...

Today went actually pretty well...Finally I stayed under which is good :)

My brother and his wife are leaving for Cali tomorrow, so we had like a pre-Thanksgiving dinner thing...But I managed to stay under 700. YAY! I was getting soo frustrated, because my sister-in-law ate two HUGE plate fulls! I know she wont gain a pound :( Unlike me...I hope I lost some weight...doubt it :( I've hit a Platue (or however you spell that haha.) Well, tomorrow should be a good day. I will be away from the house all day, I'm going to be in a parade...so I shouldn't eat to much. Hopefully. 

Breakfast -
Toast - 97 cals.
Jelly on toast - 50 Cals.

Lunch - None

Dinner -
turkey  - 145 cals.
Mashed Potatoes - 160
Roll - 100

Total - 552!!!

I had dance tonight so I burned 237ish calories. Which brings my net cals. to...315. Not a bad day.

I'm hitting the sack early tonight! I hope you all are doing well. Keep it up!

Isn't it annoying???

Don't you just hate it when you see someone mush smaller then you just eat and eat!

I sure do. My sister-in-law (we are practically best friends ) is like that, its so frustrating. She can shove fries and a hamburger down and not gain a pound. She is almost always eating. I see people like that everywhere. They are just so content with themselves. I think I saw a post on PT about their sister just so content with their body and what she eats. Why can't I be like that?? I've tried. Multiple times actually. It just doesn't seem to work. :( It's not like I chose my ED...It chose me. :(

Today has been terrible already!

Breakfast - mom took me to a diner after my Dr. appointment  so I had to eat :(
a little bit of french toast and home fries - 449. I am never eating home fries again!!!!!

Lunch - I almost got away with not eating, but we were out and my brother forced me to eat. At McDonald's non the less!!! Thank goodness we went threw drive threw and didn't realize they forgot half my meal!! :)
small fry - 230

Total - 679 - I did stay under though. Good! I am doing a competition diet and the first week is 700 calories...pretty easy, but I still ate bad stuff today :(

I am definitely done eating for the day!!! I will check back in tonight though.

here it goes!!

Hmmmm....Blogging...I've never been very good at it, but here it goes. To warn you all ( not that I expect anyone to read this) anyway. I am a very random person...I can go from talking to something really serious to something completely DUMB!!! I guess that's just one way I cope..Maybe...haha

Here it goes:

I have a lot of issues...But I'm trying to get through them...maybe...I suffer from and ED, although I have never been diagnosed I believe I have one. I don't know what I want. Someday's I want to recover, then other days I'm like whats the point?!?!?!

I am a Christian. Being a Christian and having a ED is a very touchy thing, in my opinion. I want to serve Christ with my all. I really do.

Have you ever had that person in your life that right when you are starting to get a grip on things just pushes you down with one little sentence? Well, my brother-in-law is that person! I hate it. I start to want to recover and get better, then he says the stupidest thing. Like, "I heard there was a place open on the biggest loser and I sent your application in." Now, He doesn't know I have eating issues, but still who says that to a teenage girl!!!??!! I mean really. That was when I hit my lowest weight. Then I started to try to get better again and he makes another dumb comment about being fat. I'm not underweight at the moment, but I'm not huge either...I don't understand why someone would say somthing like that!

So ATM I am contemplating recovery. One main thing that I think is holding me back is my brother-in-law. I want to prove him wrong and if it means getting to a super low weight then SO BE IT!!! I get so frustrated. I just want to show him....I know that is a terrible way of thinking of things, but I can't help it :( So who knows...I just joined a site that supports Christian with ED's. I think it will help me in my decision making...I hope...Well off  for now. I'll write back soon.