Things people say..

I meant to write about something that happened the other day...

Well, the other day my little brother's speech therapist came over. And as I was getting ready to leave for dance my grandmother asked if I had eaten yet and before I could say anything my dad's like "who are you kidding, she never eats." So the ST says "Of course she eats, she's not emaciated"...I hadn't eaten much, if at all, the couple days before that...They mentioned some stuff about anorexia. I laughed it off the whole time...but it hurt..I don't know, it just reassured the failure I know I am. I'm not the kind of person who thinks you have to be under weight to be Anorexic. It's an emotional thing just as much as a physical. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I feel. I don't know why, but the situation hurt.

Then I have my mom calling me fat all the time, she says she's joking..But still..

I don't even know..

So, just when I think things are getting better...My world crashes just a little bit more...

This isn't going to be a long post, but I thought I should post something. I have been doing better with temptations though. I guess anyway..I haven't been eating a lot again..I'm not even trying...It's weird to explain..I mean, I'm eating, but not like meals. If that makes sense. Idk..

I'm done

I'm done...With everything. Not a bad sort of done, a good sort.

I'm going to actually try. It is so hard though. Deep down I want to be free, I want to be happy. Truly happy. I don't remember what that feels like. Sure, I've been happy, but not without those voices in the back of my mind ruining it for me.

I know he cares about me...I can't help but think that I'm just his charity case. He blew up at me last night when I asked him that..Like really blew up. Just...Why in someone's right mind want to be my best friend. Everyone has always been out to "fix" me...It's a weird feeling when someone just cares about me. I still feel like I'm the second choice, like always..Oh well, I should be used to that by now. I need to get used to it. I was reading threw some old journals and there was one from a missions trip that we both went on. It was before I tried to recover the first time. He hadn't been eating much and I wanted sooo much for him to be alright...Maybe I've been fooling myself all this time and have always cared about him this much? It doesn't matter now though. It's like a quote I saw once: "He has my heart; but she has his. There will be no fight, I will  let her win."

If being with her is what makes him happy, no matter what I think about how she has no time for him and that he deserves more (even if that isn't me) I need to be happy for him. I am trying to be happy for him. It's not an easy task. She is soo nice, which makes it even worse on me. It's not like she's mean or rude or anything...She just doesn't have time for him. Oh well...I'll get over this eventually...Hopefully.

So anyway, back to being done. I'm done..Cutting, Burning, Everything. I'm going to try. I don't think I can do this alone. I know I have him and God. I need to find a good way to cope with the stress. I'll have my license soon, so I'll be able to get out more..Thank goodness!!!

I want to get better! I want to get better! Now I just need to believe that.

1st time...

my best friend and I got into a fight....I am/was so mad at him...
He said we both needed to cool off and that he'd talk to me later...I burned myself for the first time...It hurt like helll...Still does...He's going to be pissed if he finds out...I promised no cutting...So that doesn't include burning...Right?

What's going on in my mind right now???

I hate this!
 I feel like I'm just writing the same things over and over again...But I guess I am. Ug! I also hate not know what's going on inside my own mind! The thing I hate the most is when your best friend asks you whats wrong and you can't really tell him, because your in love with him and he has a girlfriend...Sorry

It feels like life is so much easier when I restrict...Or even when I cut...
Ya know....I never promised him I wouldn't burn...He'd be so mad/upset if he found out though...And I can't lie to him...

Goodness, I miss PT so much! This blog post is really random and I'm sorry for that..Not like more then like 1 person reads this anyway...It's not being written for other people though...It's a place that can finally be MINE! Call me selfish I don't care at the moment,  but when you have as big as a family as I have there isn't much you can call "yours"

It's annoying when you have so much on your mind, but then when you go to focus on one of those things, it's gone.

This is all I have left..

This blog.

He made me promise not to go onto PT or PA again...This blog is the only thing he doesn't know about...The only think that no one knows about..This blog is the only place I can write my true feelings. I'm so confused and lost. With no where to go...

I told him that I needed help, I hadn't eaten anything for a few days. I got involved with a Ana "trainer."
He found out...He said it was the stupidest thing I have ever done..I agree 100%. That's why I let him tell my youth pastor about my eating. I pray that, that was the right choice. Apparently my youth pastor just said that if I wanted to get better it was up to me...Like I didn't already know that. He (my yp) didn't tell my mom, which is a very good thing. He didn't really do anything, actually. He told Nick that he was going to check up on me...Whatever that means. But anyway..yeah, I don't have PT any more and I feel so lost...I just...I don't know how to change my mind set...It's been stuck here for so long, that I don't know if it can change.

This blog is the only thing that Nick doesn't know about...Which is good I guess. I don't know. I'm going to let him think I am getting better...I'm not going to lie, because I promised him I can't. I'll get better eventually...I hope.

He has too much on his plate now...He doesn't need my screwed up problems on top of everything else..He told me that I wasn't screwed up, just "confused." Yeah, confused all right...

Sorry, for my rant...This is the only place I have left that is mine...

I'm so stupid!!

It got out to my best friend that I go on "Pretty Alone." Shit, I'm screwed....
Luckily he doesn't know about PT....Oh, please don't find out!!!

I don't know what to do!!! I need a way to cope...I haven't been eating near as much. Oh well...He doesn't know that...Yet...Please, don't let him find  out. I wont lie to him, but I wont tell him right out either..

Made it through the night...

I wanted so much to die last night...

I thought about suicide. I mean really thought about it...last night and today in the shower...I thought how much everyone needs me..To do all their crap! We just got a new foster child. An adorable little boy..I can't leave him..I can't leave Nick either...I'm hopeless when it comes to him. I'll never be with him again..But I can't bring/get myself to like anyone else. I don't even know anyone else who could compare. His girlfriend is always dancing...she doesn't know what she is missing...That's not helping...ok. anyway...Barely ate anything today..2 pieces of cheese and some Mandarin oranges...Not bad to get back on track.

I regret it...

I promised my best friend I wouldn't cut anymore...

I think that was the dumbest decision I've ever made. I hope I can keep it. He was too worried about me, like getting better and stuff...I'm scared I still wont get better even though I wont cut...I just wanted him to talk to me. about what was going on with him. I'm in love with my best friend. One problem. He has a girlfriend, while at the same time admitting that he has liked me since we had a "thing" that I broke off 3 years ago. Now, when I like him again ( idk if I ever really stopped) he has a girlfriend. He said that he wont break up with her. Which is ok. I want him to be happy. If that means watching him be in love with another girl...Then that's fine. It kills me. But I just want him to be happy..Is that so wrong?

I had been eating again...But, with all of this stress I can't eat. So, I'm afraid it will take me back into a relapse. Hey, if it gets the extra couple pounds I've gained off...Then that's ok...I don't know what I'm going to do...I have been so tempted to cut...I can't now...I'm so stupid

Looking for hope, looking for something...

It's been awhile...

A lot has gone on. My boyfriend broke up with me..Because he didn't want to control his sexual desires towards other people...I'm down to 105! only 5 more to go...for now. I have been so lost lately.

I went to a retreat with my church...It really opened my eyes..But I don't know if I can start eating again...It's not that easy. I feel so alone in this struggle...I started cutting again...Well, I have twice. :( I am so disappointed in myself. I really need to get these pounds off. I don't understand why I can't be good enough for anyone! I found out that my mom thinks I'm a horrible kid. I try my hardest. I really do. I don't cuss, I dress modestly, I don't drink, do drugs, I don't have sex. Why aren't I good enough for her??? My supposed "best friend" barely talks to me anymore. I'm tired of trying. I have gotten really close to one of my friends...He is my best friend...I know he is. He has helped me threw a lot..and is trying to help me with my eating...I have gotten mad and yelled at him so many times...Maybe there is something to this? Maybe I should try and get better?? It's not like I'm physically sick though, I'm not underweight. This is all so confusing. I don't know what to do anymore...Please help me.