Made it through the night...

I wanted so much to die last night...

I thought about suicide. I mean really thought about it...last night and today in the shower...I thought how much everyone needs me..To do all their crap! We just got a new foster child. An adorable little boy..I can't leave him..I can't leave Nick either...I'm hopeless when it comes to him. I'll never be with him again..But I can't bring/get myself to like anyone else. I don't even know anyone else who could compare. His girlfriend is always dancing...she doesn't know what she is missing...That's not helping...ok. anyway...Barely ate anything today..2 pieces of cheese and some Mandarin oranges...Not bad to get back on track.

I regret it...

I promised my best friend I wouldn't cut anymore...

I think that was the dumbest decision I've ever made. I hope I can keep it. He was too worried about me, like getting better and stuff...I'm scared I still wont get better even though I wont cut...I just wanted him to talk to me. about what was going on with him. I'm in love with my best friend. One problem. He has a girlfriend, while at the same time admitting that he has liked me since we had a "thing" that I broke off 3 years ago. Now, when I like him again ( idk if I ever really stopped) he has a girlfriend. He said that he wont break up with her. Which is ok. I want him to be happy. If that means watching him be in love with another girl...Then that's fine. It kills me. But I just want him to be happy..Is that so wrong?

I had been eating again...But, with all of this stress I can't eat. So, I'm afraid it will take me back into a relapse. Hey, if it gets the extra couple pounds I've gained off...Then that's ok...I don't know what I'm going to do...I have been so tempted to cut...I can't now...I'm so stupid