I'm done

I'm done...With everything. Not a bad sort of done, a good sort.

I'm going to actually try. It is so hard though. Deep down I want to be free, I want to be happy. Truly happy. I don't remember what that feels like. Sure, I've been happy, but not without those voices in the back of my mind ruining it for me.

I know he cares about me...I can't help but think that I'm just his charity case. He blew up at me last night when I asked him that..Like really blew up. Just...Why in someone's right mind want to be my best friend. Everyone has always been out to "fix" me...It's a weird feeling when someone just cares about me. I still feel like I'm the second choice, like always..Oh well, I should be used to that by now. I need to get used to it. I was reading threw some old journals and there was one from a missions trip that we both went on. It was before I tried to recover the first time. He hadn't been eating much and I wanted sooo much for him to be alright...Maybe I've been fooling myself all this time and have always cared about him this much? It doesn't matter now though. It's like a quote I saw once: "He has my heart; but she has his. There will be no fight, I will  let her win."

If being with her is what makes him happy, no matter what I think about how she has no time for him and that he deserves more (even if that isn't me) I need to be happy for him. I am trying to be happy for him. It's not an easy task. She is soo nice, which makes it even worse on me. It's not like she's mean or rude or anything...She just doesn't have time for him. Oh well...I'll get over this eventually...Hopefully.

So anyway, back to being done. I'm done..Cutting, Burning, Everything. I'm going to try. I don't think I can do this alone. I know I have him and God. I need to find a good way to cope with the stress. I'll have my license soon, so I'll be able to get out more..Thank goodness!!!

I want to get better! I want to get better! Now I just need to believe that.